knm x i

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you should look as good as your outlook

like clockwork, the first feelings of fall (-ish - cause, come on socal) here always spark a fire of nostalgia…i love it and hate it and crave it and turn away from it all at once.

rather than at the new year, the notion of renewal and reflection seem to creep up moreso now - something about that seasonal shift, i always sense the change in energy…a certain crispness. it’s sharp.

layer in the wayward smell of firewood. driving home at dusk. the tiny things. if only the leaves didn’t go from green to brown here. i miss the fiery colors.

it’s clear the feelings i feel (and anticipate to feel) will probably never go away now that i’m well into this thing called ‘adulthood’ - like a birthday or holiday, might as well just mark it each year on the calendar. “expect to feel those autumn feelings.” because how else would i succinctly put it? ‘autumn’ also sounds much more poetic than ‘fall’ so, yes, how fitting…indulge those emotions, km.

i know the ties come in part from where and how i grew up. in my years away, words continually fail me (which kills me, obviously) in trying to explain my hometown. i could not possibly speak more fondly of it. the people. the place. the experience.

but really, i’ll never be able to put it into words…there’s movement in my mind, body and soul…such a fondness and a tie to that reality that was so familiar, so ingrained, so felt on all cylinders. it’s still crazy to me that i haven’t managed to forget. there’s no dullness to the memory…in fact, it’s safe to say it gets shinier every year. 

after a particularly exhausting week, on an apparently wistful friday evening, with every candle in my house burning because that’s an ‘autumn’ thing to do, i’m just remembering. 

when i was a young girl i did not know what i wanted to do, except i knew the woman i wanted to be —

i wanted to be on the go, i wanted to be able to pay my own bills & i so much wanted to be independent. my goal in life is to tell every girl, every woman in the world, that they can be the woman they want to be.” - DVF